Recently I read an article by Amy Chua on the subject of superiority of Chinese mothers. Whether or not I agree with the author isn’t the point of this blog. Although, as a side note, I must say that the author’s ego rivals that of Paris Hilton — which I thought was never possible! And, as many other readers, I was amazed at the length she went to in order to satisfy that ego (the up-in-your-face article in WSJ included). Disclaimer: I have not read her book but her article was enough for me to decide never to read the book and to feel bad for both her kids and her students at my (!) alma mater.
But back to the subject. Amy Chua’s husband is apparently American and reading her me!-me!-me! article got me thinking of the role that parents of different cultures play in raising kids together. I happen to be married to someone outside of my own culture and we are raising a beautiful girl. How often do we agree on our own respective methods of parenting? How often do we disagree? And what transpires when you take an already mixed-culture couple and throw them into an expat lifestyle where a third culture becomes part of the mix?
We all know there is a lot of beauty in being exposed to and in living with different cultures. We all know kids benefit from this immensely. But that’s not what I want to discuss. I want to discuss the difficulties.
If I had a penny for every time I was told I was “too strict” (I think I need to share Amy Chua article to show my husband what strict really means!) or that “my parenting culture was too critical” or that “I would do it differently” – I’d be a millionaire with my own private island already. But instead of a penny, all I got was the feeling of being labeled, judged and misunderstood. Of course I have not been a saint either and I think I’ve given my share of opinions about my husband’s parenting culture.
Dr. John Gottman in his brilliant book “7 Principles of Making a Marriage Work” says that 69% of problems in a marriage are perpetual. He goes on to describe that no matter what you do, these problems are not going to go away simply because they are born out of your disappointed dream or a disappointed dream of your spouse. Put another way – the times we fight and the fights that repeat themselves over and over again happen because our values are not being honored. Instead – a label is issued. Someone calls you strict instead of recognizing that by imposing a certain schedule all you are trying to do is to protect your child as much as you can from stress and anxiety.
In an interview I heard recently, Marianne Williamson said something so simple and brilliant that I am amazed I didn’t think of it myself. She said that all over the mammal world, the maternal instinct first and foremost goes to the protection of the young. As mammals, we – human females – are also quite intent on protecting our children. And so thinking along those lines, I am now realizing that I am protecting my young – but I see that protection in my own, unique way. The way that has come from my culture and my upbringing.
So what do we do if our instinct to protect and if our parental style that comes from our values collide with that of our partner/spouse? When tensions run high and labels are attached faster than the speed of light, how do we stay calm and discuss the cross-cultural misunderstanding that’s at the root of the argument?
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